I really can’t do this school thing anymore. It’s beyond senioritis and into some serious ADD/don’t give a crap territory. I feel paralyzed and I can’t make any progress on anything. I’m going to have to turn in a major paper very late because I practically had a nervous breakdown while writing it. I don’t know what’s wrong. I’ve always been a procrastinator, but at least I got things done. Now I can’t even do that. So I put the paper off and moved on to something else – doing critiques for a workshop in my creative nonfiction writing class – something I usually like and can do fairly well. But I can’t do it. I can’t think of anything to say. There’s nothing that can motivate me. This is the unsung hell of anxiety disorders. You let the anxiety keep you from doing things, because they’re too scary to deal with, and that only causes the pile of things you need to do to grow larger and larger. Eventually, it’s an insurmountable obstacle. Usually, I could use my hope for the future to motivate me, but I realized that this is in short supply lately. I don’t think my academic record in college is good enough to get me a job, and I’m just deluding myself if I think I’ll ever be able to move away (because I can’t do that without a job). I’m going to end up working at the mall or a coffee shop, because that’s what an undergraduate English degree gets you. So go to grad school, I always thought. But again, my academic record isn’t good enough to get into a good grad school, probably. I could rely on the strength of my writing to perhaps get me into an MFA program, but I’m probably not that good. It seems as if everyone else in the creative writing program here is doing readings and getting published, and when they read their writing, it’s so much better than mine. Besides, I don’t want to think about grad school when it’s clearly going to take a miracle for me to graduate with my B.A. in May. The idea of more school after that makes me want to munch on the business end of a gun right now.
There’s also the added bonus that even if I do move away, I probably won’t last. I’ll probably be back home, checked into some mental institution after three whole months. College is supposed to be the easiest time to make friends. If I counted all the friends I’ve made at college (friends, not friendly classroom acquaintances), I wouldn’t even use up all the fingers on one of my hands. So if I can’t make friends now, how am I ever going to do it when I don’t have the built-in social infrastructure that college provides? Answer: I’m not, because dogs don’t count as friends. Not legit friends, anyway. Can’t take my dog to the movies or shopping. Can’t talk to him and have him talk back.
I want to just quit school, but if my future’s that bleak WITH my degree, how bad is it going to be without? I wish that I could make a job out of surfing the Internet and watching TV, because that’s all my lazy fat butt enjoys doing nowadays. They’re the only two things that keep up with my mind going 80 miles per hour, the only things that are just the perfect balance of boring and stimulating. That and sleep. I love getting some sleep. Lately it’s been a big issue, though, because I can’t stay awake long enough to get assignments done, and I keep sleeping through important meetings and classes. I enjoy it at the time, but hate myself entirely when I wake up. I simply cannot stay awake. The past two nights, I’ve fallen asleep while doing homework, with my lights on, makeup on, haven’t brushed my teeth or taken my medicine, haven’t set my alarm clock. Then I wake up at 5 or 6 a.m. completely unrested and have to either try and squeeze in a few good hours of sleep or stay awake and finish the homework I was working on when I dozed off. I just don’t know how to control it. And I know that I’ve basically just described something that sounds like “laziness syndrome.” Oh, I can’t do my homework. Oh, I sleep too much. I watch too much TV. But really, I cannot help it. Being confronted with anything besides sleep and television sends me into panic mode. Panic mode wears me out, so I just want to sleep more. Nothing gets done. Nothing, that is, except the further destruction of my academic career. That one I’m accomplishing with ease.
The Ebb and Flow 
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October 27, 2010 at 11:29 AM
Peggy
You are a good writer. Who else could right such a despairing blog posting with such description as to make me feel exactly what you are going through though I have no idea what it really feels like? Lora, you are gifted and talented. I think that God gave you such a gift with words, written and spoken, that he short-changed you in the confidence department. You are a very social person, just not at ease expressing it. You are gifted, just not at ease accepting it or believing in it. As your mom, all I can tell you is to HANG ON! Things DO get better with adult-hood. You begin to develop that “I don’t give a crap what other people think of me” mentality that truly does come in handy, when it’s not getting you in trouble! Just look at me, look at your Papaw, your dad, your aunts, uncles, anyone who is older than you. You’ll see that they have become comfortable in their skin, with who they are. Although you feel lonely now and as if you have no friends, I believe it’s part of being away from home. Why invest yourself in people who are only going to move to the four corners of the earth, most likely, only leaving you where you started? Whether your home is here, which I know you don’t want and respect that, or on the West coast or the East coast or somewhere in between, once you make that “home” you will become invested in people again. Think of the people who have been in your life since the beginning. Think of the people you’ve met and maintained friendships with, although at times not without it’s ups and downs, throughout your school years. It hasn’t been easy, but you have had a distance to deal with in trying to maintain those friendships. Have those people made friends at their respective schools that supercede your friendship with them? No, they always come back to that which they know. The place where they are comfortable. And that is with you. You have a host of family “friends” (your cousins) that you really have yet to tap in to. Those are the people that, rain or shine, are always going to be there for you. Invest in that. AND, keep your chin up about school. Push yourself to finish this final year. Because when it’s over, life will take on different colors and you will begin to “make” a life for yourself. And I will be there. And Paige will be there. And your dad will be there. And there are tons of others who will be there. This is but a fleeting moment in your life. Enjoy it or push through it, but get through it so you can move on to the next adventure. I love you.
November 19, 2010 at 4:57 AM
Alyssa
Even though I wish you didn’t have to deal with this, it is somewhat nice to know that I’m not the only one living with that sort of anxiety. You pretty much just described the last two years of my life. Know that you are not alone in your difficulties. Good luck.