Worst Dressed

Charlize Theron

Seriously?  Seriously?!  It looks like Miss Piggy is groping her from behind.  Oh, Charlize!  You have boobs?!  Thanks for drawing so much attention to them!  We had NO IDEA!

Diane Kruger

I wouldn’t hate this one so much if it wasn’t for the layers.  She looks like a three-tiered wedding cake, and each cake is separated by a layer of black icing.  At least it’s a step up from her hot pink Golden Globes monstrosity… which I also compared to a cake.  Hmm…

Kathy Ireland

I’m not sure if everyone had the pleasure of seeing Kathy Ireland’s wacky gig as one of three hosts of ABC’s 30-minute red carpet coverage directly before the ceremony.  If you didn’t, you missed out.  Not only did Kathy seem drugged up, but she also managed to squeeze herself into one of the lampshades my family owned in the 80s.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon

Both halves of this celeb couple have landed on my list.  While it was nice to see some more navy blue on the carpet, I think that Mariah needs to find the horrid monster who took a bit out of the front of her dress.  And Nick’s vest and pocket chain make him look a bit like Will Smith in Wild Wild West.

Miley Cyrus

Yes, I hate the Disney teen queen (by the way, thanks a ton, Adam Shankman, for making me have to listen to her speak), but the dress isn’t great anyway.  It fits her oddly, and it seems like she was hunching her shoulders the entire night to keep her lady humps contained.  It also really accentuated her shoulders, and they looked oddly large and broad.  Fit aside, there’s just nothing exciting about it.

Nicole Richie

Nicole – Gimli the Dwarf called, from Middle Earth.  He wants his chain mail armor back.  Also, why are you at the Oscars?

Robert Downey, Jr.

Disregard the fairly classy looking woman on the right.  I had no problem with Susan Downey’s dress.  Rather, it’s the goofball on the left who is offending me with his sartorial choices.  I get that he probably chose the bow tie to match his wife’s dress, but it really stands out, and almost clashes with his black tux (which I wasn’t entirely aware of until I saw him wearing the same ensemble on Jimmy Kimmel’s post-Oscars show).  I think I’d be willing to let it fly, though, were it not for the shoes that he clearly swiped from his teenaged son’s closet, and the sunglasses that are slightly tinted to match the bow tie.  Someone teach this man how to accessorize.

Sarah Jessica Parker

I am appalled to see this monstrosity on some best dressed lists, but that is the reality I encountered today.  Canary yellow with tin foil embellishments does not high fashion make.  Yes, sometimes even Carrie Bradshaw makes a misstep.  Points off for the extreme fake tan and the flyaway hair that made her look such a hot mess up on stage when she presented an award.

Virginia Madsen

It looks like the top of the dress is wrapped in a sack that’s cinched at her neck.  Also, the haphazard, lacy-looking designs strewn across the skirt are completely unnecessary and stupid looking, and I swear that Obi-Wan and the other Jedis wore the same belt.  Not even kidding.

See?!

Zoe Saldana

The colors are nice, but there’s too many of them.  Pick one and stick with it.  Also, the bodice looks like a disco ball, and the skirt looks like it’s made of scrunchies.  One thing I can say for Zoe (who landed on my “Worst Dressed” list for the Golden Globes, as well), though, is that she’s making some adventurous choices.

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