It’s our good friend, Glenn Beck!  And I have a terrifying picture for you, but I’m putting it behind a cut because I don’t want to vomit every time I visit my own blog!

Oh goodie!  I just had an aneurysm!

Never has a book cover filled me with so much hatred.  It’s literally taking every shred of self control I have within me not to just abandon this post, so I won’t have to look at the Halloween mask he calls a face.  But I know that I have a message, and I need to get it out to you.


Just so you know.

I am at least 92% sure that – even if I were that especially psychotic brand of neo-Con that finds Beck to be a logical man, let alone a person with real political knowledge – I would STILL want to punch the cover of that book until my knuckles bleed, rip the dust jacket into bits, set it on fire, feed the ashes to a dog, take that dog’s poop, put it in a bag, light the bag on fire, leave it on the front steps of an orphanage, ring the doorbell and run.  That’s how absolutely irritated it makes me.

Look at that smug expression he has.  If you were to do a Google Image search for the word “smug,” that would be the number one result.  If it isn’t, then Google clearly doesn’t have their act together or something.

Okay, I just did a Google Image search for “smug face glenn beck.”  The cover of this book was the 23rd result.  This really only serves to prove my point.  Not only is that cover smug, but there are 22 pictures of him out there that are even more smug.

But let’s examine the cover picture some more.  Look at his face again.  He looks like an aging basset hound who just actually caught his tail, after trying and trying and trying, going around in circles like his head was a stock car and his tail was the finish line.  It hurt when he caught it.  It hurt a lot… but he’d never admit it, because he is always right.  If this saggy-faced hound thought it was a good idea to catch his tail, then by golly it was a good idea.  A trip to the vet, a foot of gauze and three doggy aspirin later, and he’ll still swear up and down that catching his tail was the best thing he’s ever done.  You remind him that he cried and yelped when it happened, but he’ll remind you that you must be mistaken.  That’s just the liberal media putting a spin on it.  You were a fool to fall for such a thing.  Also, Socialism.

And, oh golly, isn’t it great to see that good ol’ boy, that war hero Glenn Beck finally dusting off his olive drabs for a special book cover photo shoot?  You bet.  Never have I seen a man more deserving of his uniform.  For some reason, his outfit is more reminiscent of a Nazi’s, to me, but that’s just stupid.  Clearly.  If anyone’s a Nazi here, it’s Obama.  Amiright?  Huh?  Huh?!  Because if there’s anything I’ve learned from those Tea Bagging rallies I attend, it’s that Obama is a fascist pig, Hitler reincarnated.  Wouldn’t that be horribly ironic, if Hitler, a white supremacist, was brought back to life as a half-white, half-black man, the product of an interracial relationship?  Oh, the hilarity, my friends!  But, yes, I can see the resemblance.  It’s uncanny.  Both Hitler and Obama have black hair!  Argue with those unimpeachable facts, idiots!

I think one of my favorite aspects of this cover photo is that Beck has somehow divided his face into two entirely different facial expressions.  On the left side (our left), his eye looks sad, and his face is droopy.  He either just had a stroke or the entire left hemisphere of his face knows something the right side doesn’t.  What is that something the left side knows?  Oh, just that the population of Real America is dwindling, disappearing, and their conservative, “family” values along with it.  “America’s going to hell in a handbasket,” it says, “just don’t tell the right side of my face.”

Not that the right side would be listening, anyway.  It’s too busy looking shocked, and slightly pleased.  It was certain that it would never grace the front of a book, ever again.  It was too worried that Christian conservatives wouldn’t want to hear a wacky morning radio host with a drug problem tell them that their country was on a path to hell because of abortion, homosexuals, undocumented immigrants, and, quite honestly, secular culture and media (like morning radio) and drugs, of course.  Ironic, huh?  To discover that, on the contrary, this is exactly what Christian conservatives want to hear from a wacky morning radio host with a drug problem?  “Bringing you all the hits, the laughs, and the coffee talk on your morning commute… to Godlessness and, ultimately, to Hell!  So don’t touch that dial!  Expect delays on I-69!”

The entire presentation of the title is wrong.  WRONG.  I find it annoying that the tagline of the book, “How to Stop Small Minds and Big Government,” comes at the top of the book, while the actual title, Arguing with Idiots, is at the bottom.  It just seems completely out-of-whack.  The worst offense is that backwards “R” in “Arguing.”  I suppose it’s supposed to invoke the idea of “idiocy.”  Oh, idiots write their “R”s backwards!  Tee hee!  And this is probably true (the band Korn, anyone?  Toys’R’Us?  All had backwards “R”s).  But, from Glenn Beck’s standpoint, this book isn’t for “idiots” (and I am well aware that I would fall under his “idiot” category), it’s for the extremely distinguished, red-blooded, non-idiotic citizens of Real America who are just sick and tired of dealing with those narrow-minded, godless liberals.  I mean, sometimes they’re trying to flip the channel to SpikeTV and they have to pass by MSNBC, and it really just ruins their day if they have to see Keith Olbermann or that Maddow guy squinting back at them, for even a splinter of a second.  This book is for those Joe Six-Packs.  And I’d lay money on the fact that Glenn Beck doesn’t consider himself an idiot (quite the opposite, I suspect).  So, the question remains:  Why is that “R” in “Arguing” backwards?  “Hey, you know those liberal idiots I’m talking about in this book?  Yeah, they’d totally write their ‘R’s backwards, huh?  Get it?!  It’s called satire.  Well, I think it’s called satire, anyway.  Who cares?  That’s a word for elitists.”

I’d love to see what’s inside of this book, but why would I even need to open it up to know what’s going on?  Why can’t I just buy it, prop it up on my entertainment center next to my Jesus lamp (His eyes follow you no matter where you’re at in the room!) and my stiff, unopened copy of Going Rogue, and soak up all the inspiration and courage it gives me every time I lay eyes on it?Just the range of emotions on his face!  One side says, “I understand, it’s tough,” and the other says, “But we can overcome!  And by overcome, I mean tune out and completely ignore all other arguments and opinions!”  And just looking at the way Glenn Beck’s patriotic mouth quirks up towards his nose fills me with hope, hope that one day America’s economy will be as plush as his lips… mmm, Glenn Beck.

Oh… sorry.  How embarrassing.  I’ve got tickets for a midnight showing of Glenn Beck’s The Christmas Sweater, so I’ll leave you with this delightful quote from the back cover of Arguing with Idiots:  “Idiots can’t be identified through voting records, they can be found only by looking for people who hide behind stereotypes, embrace partisanship, and believe that bumper sticker slogans are a substitute for common sense. If you know someone who fits the bill, then Arguing with Idiots will help you silence them once and for all with the ultimate weapon: the truth.”

If I know someone who fits that bill, huh?  Well, I do, but I don’t think that this book will silence them.  In fact, I think they’re the same people who made this book #9 on Amazon’s best-seller list this week.  God, bless America (and, please, get me to a country whose citizens have better taste in books).

I think this is supposed to be an advertisement for the book.  Reverse psychology, maybe?  Hmm.  This is like that backwards “R” thing all over again.  And the self-deprecating humor!  How wry, how witty you are, Beck!