Mini freak-out.  I’m having one right now.  I just checked my grades on Gradebook and found out I am not doing as well as I should be.  I didn’t expect my math or psych grades to be good, I’m terrible at those things.  But my creative non-fiction class grade is TERRIBLE!  How did this happen?!  Apparently there was a pop quiz one day that I missed.  It was worth 25 points.  What kind of pop quiz is worth 25 points.  This is not good.  And while my writings have been good in there, the professor grades hard, and I’m guessing a B is a good grade in there.  But it’s not helping my already abysmal grade.  Bottom line, I have a D+.  Which wouldn’t be a big deal, as we’re only halfway through the semester, but I don’t think there are too many grades in there.  Just a book project and a literary journalism piece, with accompanying workshop grade.  I’m going to have to ace all of these, and I’ll be lucky to get a B.  Just in case this doesn’t happen, I’m going to have to bring my math and psych grades up so that it will all even out in the end.

However, this brings me to a bigger problem.  Why am I having such a hard time applying myself this semester?  I’m an honors student, for God’s sake.  Not that this has ever really meant anything to me, nor does it imply that I’m a good student, but still.  I have to keep my scholarship, which I’m thinking that I don’t even deserve.  It seems that lately I prefer to sit in my room and just listen to music or sleep or mess around on the internet or watch movies.  I can’t really make myself do anything, at all, and this includes going to class.  I’ve never been one to go to school if I don’t have to, and now that I get to make that decision for myself without my parents’ input, it’s not going so well.  I miss class any time I think I can get away with it.  I’m not motivated.  I’m wondering if it’s the depression, but the only option is to switch to an antidepressant with norepinephrine, or whatever it’s called, and those make me dizzy.  Why is it so difficult being me?  Really, it’s not, but I just detest being me, so that is a difficulty.

Anyway, I have a plan.  For one, I’m not missing anymore classes (unless it’s psych, because honestly, I can get away with that just fine.  I will go occasionally, though, but sometimes I gal needs that extra hour of sleep).  Two, I’m going to stimulate my brain more.  No more doing pointless things like napping or watching re-runs or screwing around on the ‘net.  I have a list of books to read, and I’m going to read them.  This will make me feel more accomplished.  I’m already working on it; I’m reading “My Year of Meats” by Ruth L. Ozeki (admittedly, it’s for my American Ethnic Lit. class, but at least I’m doing the work).  This is another thing:  I’m going to do all my work, even if it isn’t going to be collected.  I’m going to read everything I have to read, write everything I have to write, and do all the math problems I’m assigned.  Also, I’m going to start going to bed at a decent hour and getting up at a decent hour.  Finally, no more procrastination.  Did I say that already?  No more, I say!  This is my personal program to stop absolutely detesting the person I am.  If this works out, I’m going to start a better diet and exercise plan.  One step at a time.

That’s all.

Yours (self-loathingly)

Lora

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